There's things the nurses do for him that I'm unaware of until we have a really good one that asks if I'd like to help. Of course I'd like to help! I'm his mother right? Since he's being fed through a tube his mouth gets really dry and the nurses swab his mouth with my milk. I've been sad for him that he can't eat, because I know that if he likes food as much as I do, than he's missing out. Knowing that he is still, in some way, getting to taste and have some milk, I'm sure he looks forward to it. I am able to give him a dose of oral medication, and change a diaper every once in a while. The fact that I get so excited to do these small things is an indication of how little I've been able to bond with my son.
Every opportunity I get, I take advantage of. I held him for the first time in a week. I haven't held him since last Sunday. Last week I was still able to pick him up whenever I wanted and feed him when he was giving me cues. When the nurse asked me if I wanted to hold him today, I didn't hesitate as I usually would. There are so many cords and tubes and IVs everywhere. The one that made me nervous is the scalp IV, but still, there was no hesitation. I scooped one hand under his neck and my other under his bum (as we've been instructed over and over again). I held him cuddled in the nook of my arm and gave him kisses on the little portion of his face that doesn't have mask on it. I am so blessed to able to look forward to and long for these little moments. The moments that I get to use those teeny tiny baby diapers and finally change MY baby. The moment that I know he's getting a taste of MY milk. The moment that I get to bathe MY baby. These moments that come naturally to most mothers with their babies and I get these special little moments with Michael. Because these moments are few and far between they remind me each time that this is my baby and one day I will be able to take him home and cuddle with him the way every mom gets to cuddle their babies. I can't wait. I Can - Not - Wait!!