Saturday, May 12, 2012

Call 911

So here we are... at childrens...again. The entry for today was going to be about how good he was doing and how we all love him so much.  He has been really active and seems much more comfortable at home with us than at the hospital. Bryt went out for dinner with my mom and sisters to celebrate mothers day. I was not too thrilled about being home alone with him, but I knew I would have to do it eventually. I was fairly grumpy when Bryt left, but the first part of the night went pretty well. I made some dinner and watched a movie with Zoey.  I fed Michael his bottle and then gave him the rest in his tube. It was the first time I had actually had to use our pump. I didn't realize you had to pull  open the bag more after you took the cap off, so when I started pouring in the milk it spilled all over the place.
After his feed was done I took him to the couch to cuddle with him. He started getting pretty fussy and then started grunting quite a bit. Then he started doing this weird grunting/choking thing. He was straining really hard for each breath and it looked like he was not getting any air. He started getting a little pale and then started sweating. When I noticed he was sweating I  started to panic. I called Bryt and told her to come home. Zoey was starting to freak out. She had already been upset that Bryt was gone, but now I was ignoring her too. I feel so guilty for expecting so much from my little girl.  I am getting so burnt out on all of this. Bryttney rushed home and brought a pack of worried women with her. They all came in and Bryttney called the  CICU. She explained what was going on and was told to call 911. By this point I was pretty much checked out. There were sirens the second Bryt hung up the phone. There were women all over my house saying how bad he looked, Bryt was balling and Zoey was screaming.... I just went numb. I am exhausted and I don't know how to deal with this anymore. Then I saw one of my sisters pick him up wrong and it was just too much.  I don't know how to deal with this. There is so much up and down, and so many people wanting to see him and love him. I wish he was healthy and that people could come pick him up like a normal baby. I wish his cousins could come see him and play with him.  It has been so nice seeing people outside the hospital again. I love having my family and friends over, but when we are both in that freak out mode, having more people around is not very helpful. I just wanted to scream and cry and throw a fit like a little kid.
The ambulance got there within a few minutes and 3 or 4 of them came in to look at Michael. They said he was looking good, but since he had just had heart surgery they didn't want to take any chances. Bryt got to ride in the Ambulance. I drove down separately.
When I got back to his room they were just taking him to get his Xray. His lungs look a little wet and there might be some sort of viral infection in the right side. After he got back from his Xray, they started trying to get an IV in him. They tried both his hands and both his arms. Then they called in a third nurse and tried his leg.  This was extremely frustrating! Michael was balling and Bryt and I both wanted to comfort him. Each time they poked him he started screaming and crying. We just sat there quietly with tears in our eyes. Then they brought in a fourth person to try, she was looking at his neck. I couldn't handle it any more, I tasked them if we could just go to the CICU and try the IV up there. There was a little bit of conversation and then a couple minutes later we got to move to the CICU.
When we got up here, they called down some NICU nurses who tried on one of his arms and then got one in his head. They drew their labs and got him hooked up to two pumps of meds. His heart rate is not very steady, it keeps dipping down to the 70s and 80's and then jumping all over the place.  We are ready for sleep. This is exhausting, it's very depressing and really makes you feel like giving up.