We just got back from visiting Michael today. Yesterday was rough not knowing which direction Michaels health was going in. The doctors explained that we were at a sort of fork in the road. The anti-arrhythmic medication they have him on is agreeing with him so far. The extra beats his heart is having are not the same as the ones that were throwing him into the Atrial Flutter. He woke up just after we arrived. The nurse was preparing a sponge bath for him as we came in today. Jaron was able to help wash him up and I was able to lotion him.
There's things the nurses do for him that I'm unaware of until we have a really good one that asks if I'd like to help. Of course I'd like to help! I'm his mother right? Since he's being fed through a tube his mouth gets really dry and the nurses swab his mouth with my milk. I've been sad for him that he can't eat, because I know that if he likes food as much as I do, than he's missing out. Knowing that he is still, in some way, getting to taste and have some milk, I'm sure he looks forward to it. I am able to give him a dose of oral medication, and change a diaper every once in a while. The fact that I get so excited to do these small things is an indication of how little I've been able to bond with my son.
Every opportunity I get, I take advantage of. I held him for the first time in a week. I haven't held him since last Sunday. Last week I was still able to pick him up whenever I wanted and feed him when he was giving me cues. When the nurse asked me if I wanted to hold him today, I didn't hesitate as I usually would. There are so many cords and tubes and IVs everywhere. The one that made me nervous is the scalp IV, but still, there was no hesitation. I scooped one hand under his neck and my other under his bum (as we've been instructed over and over again). I held him cuddled in the nook of my arm and gave him kisses on the little portion of his face that doesn't have mask on it. I am so blessed to able to look forward to and long for these little moments. The moments that I get to use those teeny tiny baby diapers and finally change MY baby. The moment that I know he's getting a taste of MY milk. The moment that I get to bathe MY baby. These moments that come naturally to most mothers with their babies and I get these special little moments with Michael. Because these moments are few and far between they remind me each time that this is my baby and one day I will be able to take him home and cuddle with him the way every mom gets to cuddle their babies. I can't wait. I Can - Not - Wait!!
There's things the nurses do for him that I'm unaware of until we have a really good one that asks if I'd like to help. Of course I'd like to help! I'm his mother right? Since he's being fed through a tube his mouth gets really dry and the nurses swab his mouth with my milk. I've been sad for him that he can't eat, because I know that if he likes food as much as I do, than he's missing out. Knowing that he is still, in some way, getting to taste and have some milk, I'm sure he looks forward to it. I am able to give him a dose of oral medication, and change a diaper every once in a while. The fact that I get so excited to do these small things is an indication of how little I've been able to bond with my son.
Every opportunity I get, I take advantage of. I held him for the first time in a week. I haven't held him since last Sunday. Last week I was still able to pick him up whenever I wanted and feed him when he was giving me cues. When the nurse asked me if I wanted to hold him today, I didn't hesitate as I usually would. There are so many cords and tubes and IVs everywhere. The one that made me nervous is the scalp IV, but still, there was no hesitation. I scooped one hand under his neck and my other under his bum (as we've been instructed over and over again). I held him cuddled in the nook of my arm and gave him kisses on the little portion of his face that doesn't have mask on it. I am so blessed to able to look forward to and long for these little moments. The moments that I get to use those teeny tiny baby diapers and finally change MY baby. The moment that I know he's getting a taste of MY milk. The moment that I get to bathe MY baby. These moments that come naturally to most mothers with their babies and I get these special little moments with Michael. Because these moments are few and far between they remind me each time that this is my baby and one day I will be able to take him home and cuddle with him the way every mom gets to cuddle their babies. I can't wait. I Can - Not - Wait!!
Ah Brit, ya made me cry - not an uncommon thing for me as I have been reading your posts as we all pass along this journey together. Thank you both for keeping us updated. Thank you, Brit for reminding me just how fortunate I have been and not to take it for granted. *prayers, love, hugs, hope*
ReplyDeleteLove you all so much!