Emotional Rollercoaster

I am going to take a bit of break from updating on Michael for the weekend. He is in some what of a stable state at the moment. He has an awesome nurse that was with us all day yesterday and knows what to watch for. He continues to get his arrhythmia medication and he is still in a normal sinus rhythm. If he can make it through the weekend without any arrhythmia we are on the right path.
We talked to lots of doctors and nurses yesterday about his progress and how he is doing. Seeing him progress so slowly is not easy, especially after he was on a rocket to recovery last week. This week has been scary and full of emotional ups and downs. It is amazing how you go from being worried to content. Then you feel like giving up all hope. Then you feel frustrated and angry and you don't want anyone to comfort you. I am hoping one day the record of our experiences will help someone going through a similar situation. Because I have that thought in my mind I am trying to keep this blog as real and personal as I can. I don't know how people are supposed to react to things like this, it is a hard trial to endure.
 I was talking to a social worker yesterday trying to explain my feelings through this whole thing. I feel guilty for not having any emotions. I feel guilty for being comfortably numb. I feel guilty for accepting the reality of the situation and losing hope. I feel guilty for having a smile on my face when things look bleak. It seems like any emotion you feel can be accompanied by guilt, and none of it makes any sense. Of course I am going to be frustrated and annoyed. Why not try to make the best of a bad situation?  Sometimes it is ok to just be numb, no emotions can really help cope with the things that are going on in front of you, you just have to watch and absorb. This is a horrible roller coaster ride, and it's all in the dark. There is no way of telling what is coming up next, one minute you are terrified and the next you are so happy you could cry.
There is no doubt this is a rough ride for us as parents, but we also have to remember the rest of our family and friends. They are not only supporting us through this, but they are having to experience this second hand, without holding his little hands or adjusting his mask or singing him a song. I need to remind myself  that this is not only extremely hard for us, but for everyone else that wants to love and care for this little soldier.
This is hard, the hardest thing I have ever done. I'm sure I am an emotional mess, but I'm trying as hard as I can to get through this with a positive outlook and a smile on my face. It is easy to push people away and not listen to what they want to say. For anyone reading this that has gone through something similar or is going through something similar.  There may be a time when you get in arguments or fights with your friends or family. That will be accompanied by guilt and anger and sadness.. You will think "Why is this happening? Why in a time  like this? Why won't they just shut up? Why can't I just accept this advice? Why am I fighting with a person that loves and cares about me?" I would like to think this is normal for most families. When everyone starts getting stressed out, things are bound to give a little. Just remember that person loves you and is trying to help the only way they know how. They have all the best intentions and are only trying to comfort you. You will be trying to deal with this the only way that you know how, and may not be ready to talk about certain things. Just remember everyone around you is a wreck, no one is on the outside looking in. You are all going through this together, and eventually you will make it through together.
This was more for me than anyone else following Michaels progress. This is an experience that is changing me forever. It is changing my family forever.  I like to think that someday this entry will bring a sad and confused parent hope. I could not go through this without my beautiful wife, my wonderful family, and all of my amazing friends. Thank you for everything you have all done, I truly love and appreciate you all.