Monday, April 30, 2012

Taking a Toll

Michael is still doing really good. He was able to eat 20ml out of his bottle by himself today, and they are scheduling a swallow study for him at the end of the week. He is full of smiles and farts today. He is a little stinker, I got to change poopy diapers twice already. You can tell he is going to be a happy little guy when he's out of here. Bryttney and I are excited for Zoey to finally meet him tomorrow, being able to have both our kids with us will make this much easier.
Even though Michael is doing awesome, I am still having a hard time. This morning was a little rough and I had a little breakdown. I am starting to get burnt out on all of this going back and forth. Bryttney is totally ok with it, but I would like to stay at the hospital and focus on one thing at a time. I like to knock out my objectives one by one. I am having a hard time working everything I want to do into this one life. Right now I think I need to start going back to work, but going back and forth makes that pretty much impossible. I want to be home with my daughter, but I also want to be here with Michael. I want to be going forward with school and my career, but I also want to be moving forward as an artist and a family man. 
It's hard to keep your life organized and moving forward when a surprise get's thrown into the mix, but I guess that is what life is; one surprise after another. This morning I wanted to get here earlier than usual so I could start working again from the hospital. We got up early and got ready. Then we took Zoey to daycare, then we got to the hospital and both felt sick and had to eat. Then we got to our room and talked to our nurse about this morning and last night. Then the doctors stopped by for a sec, then we talked to the occupational therapist. It's already 12:30 and I am just now able to start working. The days are all blurred together. I think we need some more stability. Since there doesn't seem to be any end in site, I was planning on going to go back to work this week. I think it will be good for our family and will be nice to have things a bit more structured and scheduled. 
I think the doctors want to move us out of the CICU in the next day or two which is really good. But it also makes me not want to go back to work quite yet.  The nurses in the normal cardiac area are still good, but they are not as involved as the ICU nurses down here. They have 3-4 patients each, where as down here they have 1-2 patients each. I would really want one of us to be here with him once he is out of the ICU. Not because I think anything will happen to him, but just because I know they don't give the patients as much attention and I don't like thinking about him all alone in his room while he is awake. There are a million things going through my head today. I think this is finally starting to take it's toll on my brain.

Can someone please buy me a PS3 and an 85 mustang convertible? That might take my mind off a few things..