Friday, May 11, 2012


I remember when I was growing up, waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of my mom doing laundry right outside my bedroom. It was comforting to know that she was awake and still so near. I never wondered why she couldn't sleep. It couldn't have been that she had 8 kids and a ton of laundry to do. Actually that could have been it. I think about that know because I'm writing this while I wait for Michaels 3am feed to end and I just brought the laundry upstairs. I found myself unable to sleep after his 12am feed so I showered. It felt so good to have some quiet alone time. I'd much rather be cuddling Zoey in bed but wow I needed a shower. I straightened up the living room and started getting clothes out of the dryer when I heard Zoey crying for me upstairs. I went straight up and was able to get her back to sleep but Jaron was still amazed that it was only 2am. He usually stays up till about now doing art and drawing but it seems that tonight we switched rolls.

First thing this morning I called Michaels nurse and left her a voicemail letting her know that he'd pulled out his tube and I wasn't able to get it back in. The lady that brought the IV stand for Michaels food pump was able to bring me some new tubes with the wire and at first I was confident that I could get his tube back in without help. She left and I began to prepare him. Swaddled him tight and layed him straight. I couldn't do it. I tried a few times and just didn't feel comfortable with the placement because he was freaking out. He wasn't crying when I did it at the hospital so I freaked out just after he did. He didn't eat well last night and I knew he wasn't getting the amount he needed. His nurse called and even though she wasn't scheduled to show up until tomorrow she was more than happy to come today and help me. I was so relieved when she'd arrived. She walked me through everything and reassured me that this is not a one person job and that I should have someone to help me every time for the first few times. I also realized that I need to have him swaddled with his arms down when I'm not holding him. His hands go straight to his nose and it's making me crazy thinking about having to do it again. The nurse also did his wellness check and weighed him again. Yesterday he weighed 8lbs 9 1/2 ounces. Today he weighed 8lbs 6 1/2 ounces. In less than a 24hr period he lost 3 ounces. This feeding thing is hard and I hate pumping. It is amazing what you find yourself capable of once you know know that there is only the one option. It's not an option of what I want to do. It's only an option of what I am doing, and this is what I am doing.

First thing Zoey asked for this morning was baby Michael. She wanted to know where he was and she was thrilled that he was laying right next to us. She loves him so much and knows he's not there to play with. She enjoys holding him with help from mom and dad and loves showing him all of her toys even if his eyes are closed. She has been such a big help to me and I love her so much. I try every moment to show her I do. I can also tell you that I do not love Elmo - Or robots. She loves Sesame Street and Yo Gabba Gabba so much that if it's not on the tv then she'll ask for it until it is. Today I gave in because I was side tracked by Michaels tube but I'm already thinking of the things I can do with her today that have nothing to do with the tv. She misses her friends at daycare but I'm glad I can get down and play with her still.

I want to thank everyone again for their support. Whether just reading our story or dropping off dinners and donating everyone has been more than generous and my family is so grateful. We couldn't do this without all of you. I've cried many times this week over how much help we've gotten from family and friends and I hope everyone knows that I am making sure their good deeds are gratefully appreciated. This has definitely been a long road but everyone has given us a lot to look forward to. A life with our baby. Thank you all so much.